Slideshow of Intercultural Weddings

Pretty interesting piece on CNN on weddings that blend cultures and families.  It documents some recent intercultural marriages.  The slideshow (which cant’ be posted here) is great as is the article. I like how it demonstrates the way couples try to find commonalities to bind each other’s traditions:

For instance, both Hindu and Jewish traditions marry a bride and groom under a structure. In Judaism it’s called a chuppah, and in Hinduism it’s termed a mandap. Kavi and David Moltz married under a chuppah made from birch wood that was adorned with silk and fabric from both sets of grandparents. “Both Jews and Hindus get married under something,” David says. “It represents your first house.” One tradition that is common to the Jewish, Hindu and Greek Orthodox religions is the breaking of something at the end of the ceremony. Jewish couples break a glass with their feet, while Greeks drink a glass of wine and throw the glass. Hindus break a pot. Another common symbol that transcends various traditions is the exchanging of something during the ceremony. Indians exchange garlands, Jews and Christians exchange rings and Buddhists exchange white scarves. Finding commonality between traditions can make a ceremony meaningful, but make sure to have someone explain the symbolism to the wedding guests, or most will be in the dark, says Macomb. Also, she advises intercultural weddings can seem more cohesive if an officiant and readers incorporate some native languages into the ceremony as a nod to family members who have traveled from another part of the world.

It’s a great read, hope you enjoy it as well.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

A reader asks, “after all these years with your American wife, what do you wish you would have known in the early days of your relationship?”

Like many relationships I was quite mesmerized in the early days. I had never been in a relationship quite like the one with Shreemati. I went to a boys only boarding school in Nepal – and had no experience even relating to women, let alone having a relationship. Also, while in college I was pretty set in what I wanted to do and who I wanted to hang out with. I knew an arranged marriage was in my future and any “interest” I may have with women was temporary and normal guy stuff. Nothing more. Hence I never really dated or pursued any particular person.

However, it was different with Shreemati from the very beginning. It was forbidden love and I enjoyed it. I knew I was going to marry her quite early. It took her a while to figure things out (story for another time). We got married within four months of our engagement. I was in graduate school at the time and it was all just a whirlwind, with very little time to think. Then we had our ceremony in Nepal and before we knew it we had a house in the suburbs in the Midwest.

Looking back I wish I had a mentor to bounce things with. Someone who had been through my experience and could share some insights. I don’t know what impact that would have had. I don’t really have any regrets or any sense of having done something wrong. However, it would have been easier to process things. There are not a lot of things but some of the more notable ones include dealing with the in-laws and the American side of the family.

I have not had any issues with my in-laws, but the relationship is very different if it had been with a Nepali family. Everyone on Shreemati’s side of the family is very independent and set in their own ways. I struggled with that in the beginning since I didn’t feel anyone reaching out to me and welcoming me into the family. I wanted a closer feel and sought a firmer relationship – with introductions to customs and traditions etc.  I wanted to learn about the other side of the family – personalities, histories, characteristics etc.  But that never really happened. I wouldn’t say that this is necessarily a Nepali thing, maybe more of a personal thing.

Aside from the in-law situation early on in my marriage I was also trying to think of my American wife as a pseudo-Nepali woman. I think this mentor would have told me that the American wife is indeed an American wife. She’s not an educated white woman who is now all of sudden going to act, live and be like a traditional Nepali wife. That instant transformation I subconsciously sought never happened. I had to face the fact that she’s independent, she’s going to question me and she’s going to speak her mind. I have struggled with these things at different times.

I am by no means sexist or seeking a submissive, quiet housewife. However, the cultural indoctrination and assimilation is bound to have a residual effect in ones outlook. And I can not claim to be an exception, no matter how hard I try. Also, once you’re married (and especially when you become a parent) you fall back to things you saw when you were growing up. Like most people, your parents become your role mode (or at least what you thought of your parents when you were younger). So, when Shreemati questioned my thoughts, my opinions and things like that it became an issue for me at times.

I had to come to grips with the fact that, at the end of the day, I’m married to an American woman. She might be adaptive and willing to see things from my way, she may cook and dress at times like a Nepali person but she has distinctive American characteristics that make her who she is. I can not expect her to be a typical Nepali wife and I needed to come to terms with that. I think it took me a few years into my marriage to fully understand and appreciate this aspect of the relationship.

Image used under Creative Commons License from Flickr account ID .:Camilo:.