Unwanted Girls of the Rich and Educated

I just read a heart breaking article on the BBC about female foeticide. This is the practice of aborting a baby once you find out its going to be a girl. This has already caused havoc in the girl-boy ratio in China (coupled with the one child policy), and India is not that far behind. You think given the poverty and the deeply ingrained preference for boys would be a large factor and it is, but this article mentions something very disturbing:

“In rural Bihar, information on sex selection is not easily accessible. Also, the poor cannot afford to pay for the ultrasound or the termination of pregnancy,” he says.

Ms Sinha says the problem of female foeticide is seen more in the middle class and affluent families and urban areas which have access to technology.

“In cities what we see is a daughter who is 16 and then a son who is six – so what happened in between?”

Yes, it’s the rich and affluent who are doing it more than the poor. The RICH AND EDUCATED!  This just makes me very upset. I would have thought with some poverty programs and education that we could defeat this thing, but when the rich and educated and doing it, then we have a larger problem.

Just plain evil!

Teaching and Training a Child From Day One

My parents came to visit when our first-born (Thuli) was about 4 months old. By that time Thuli had been sleeping in her own room for many months. My mother was shocked. I myself had not been terribly conflicted since I valued the sleep that I got since our precious bundle of joy went on to sleep in her own room.

My mother struggled with this (as did my dad). In Nepal and I’m sure throughout South Asia children sleep with their parents for many years. I’m certainly no stranger to that idea and when Shreemati made plans to get the crib ready at around 11-12 weeks (we had her in a bassinet in our room until then) I was a little taken aback. However, when it’s just the two of you and not a house full of relatives raising children you need to be efficient. So, I understood what we were doing.

My parents never turned this into an argument or anything like that, but many questions did arise. My mom openly questioned whether the child was getting enough love or not. But to anyone who has been around my girls, that is a silly question with a very obvious answer. However, after a few weeks my mom started to observe that children here are very independent and are taught to do things on their own from an early age.  She started to see that perhaps our way of doing things is most definitely not the only way of doing things.

When they were here last summer my mother was again taken aback. They were surprised to see how much Maili (middle one then 17 months old) could do on her own. Maili ate on her own, was already pooping on the potty and was close to being out of diapers. Not that this is necessarily an American thing, but my mom was again surprised by how much kids can be trained to do things. I guess the bottom line is she always thought kids needed to be babied well into years 7 and 8. Something very common in South Asia. Well we have certainly shown that is not the case. And we still love our children very much.

Photo used under creative commons license Flickr account ID foliman

Handy Man SKills – Cultural or Personal?

I can’t say being a handy man around the house is one of my biggest strengths.  I’m sure there are plenty of guys like that out there, but I am particularly sensitive about it. For starters I didn’t grow up around a handy man father. Also, the homes in Nepal are very different. And not to mention that when things broke around the house we always had a local fixer upper guy who showed up and did stuff for us in exchange for a very reasonable price (to my family).

So the reason  I get a bit sensitive about this is  because my father-in-law and his brother are very handy and can fix things around the house. They know a lot about tools and techniques and can eye-ball things and get things done around the house. When they come to visit they normally get a few things done around the house for me and end up being a huge help in so many ways. I appreciate that but also feel a bit inadequate at times.

My wife’s uncle for instance has pretty much been the one who set up all the storage units in my garage, put in new light/fan fixtures in one of my daughters room, trim the trees, keep the bushes and stuff trim etc. In fact I make a list of stuff for him and when he visits we do it “together”. My father in law is like that as well and has been responsible for helping with appliances and maintaining stuff in hard to reach places.

This is not to say I have no skills. I am certainly capable of learning. The first house Shreemati and I bought together needed quite a bit of work. It wasn’t a fixer upper per se, but it needed some upgrades. So we thought. Once the work began we realized it was a lot more. In fact, the first four months were spent fixing things up. It didn’t help that we bought in late Fall and being in the midwest at the time, things got pretty cold while major work was still being completed. We ended up having to sleep in the basement near the furnace while working on the floors upstairs (stories for another day).

This experience proved to be very valuable (we did get our money back when we sold for those interested in knowing.)  I had some hired help during this time, but to save money did a lot of the work myself. So, I learned to put dry wall, fix the flashing in the chimney, put in the garbage disposal, pain, peel off wallpaper, dig holes to fix leaks in the foundation, install bathroom fans, install a toilet and the list goes on.

So, over the years I’ve learned quite a bit, but I can’t say I enjoy it. But at the same time I want to really learn and be good at it. Sometimes I wonder how other Nepali guys (South Asian guys too) deal with this. Do their American/Western wives have expectations that their man will fix things when they break. Is this expected? I’m  curious to hear about this and learn to what extent this is a cultural thing and not a personal thing. This is interesting to me considering how manual labor is looked down on in South Asia.

Mothers Day in Nepal – May 3, 2011

Mother and Child, a photo by Araleya on Flickr.

Just a reminder to all you folks out there who many not be thinking about this right now, but Mothers Day this year falls on Tuesday May 3, 2011. There is still time to send your mom something for this special day. I’d recommend Thamel.com (I get nothing out of making this recommendation).

At minimum don’t forget to call her.

Busy Bee But Not Complaining Anymore

This week has been crazy busy. Between hosting friends for Easter and going to an all day birthday party over the weekend to travelling for business during the week and the in-laws coming for quick two nigh stay with their European friends, it has been crazy. Oh and the kids. They demand attention too….

But one thing I’m leaning and trying to do is not complain. I seem to complain about my circumstance and daily events way too much. I don’t do it verbally and in conversation, but I find my internal conversations to be filled with a complaining mindset. I guess I have always done this, but when you’re trying to teach your kids to not complain then you start to check your own heart.

So, despite all that is going on and all that I have to deal with on a daily basis I am choosing to not complain any longer. I want to be thankful for everything. Even the traffic in this bustling metropolis I live in and that is saying a lot!

The World According to India

This is funny:

Deep Conversation at a Loud Gathering

This past Saturday afternoon we gathered the kids, piled into our car and went to the Nepali New Year celebration. We try to participate in these types of events as much as possible and we were all excited. We ended up having a good time. The girls loved the dancing, the deserts and the balloons.  My wife and I enjoyed reconnecting with some people we hadn’t seen in a while. We live in a pretty big metropolis and the Nepalese people are scattered all over. The ones we seem to get along with live the farthest (figure that one)!

I ended up having a pretty interesting discussion with one of the elders. This gentleman has been in the US for over 31 years. He helped found the local Nepali organization and is a very well-educated man. He has grown children in their thirties and of course all were raised in the United States. He made the observation that it’s hard to get his kids to think about marriage and getting married. Only his oldest (who is almost 40) is married he said. He said he has seen this issue with other families as well and is quite puzzled by it.

As we talked more about this phenomenon I felt like I had some insights. I think that the second generation grows up very confused about marriage.  Most in the first generation had arranged marriages and have very strong ties to that mindset. To the second generation  arranged marriage is basically an alien concept. As much as they may understand the system and the structure they never feel that it’s for them. (I could be wrong here, so jump in with your thoughts if you have a different view.)

Add to this their natural impulse (as Western people mind you) to seek out the “normal” love marriage and they grow up extremely confused.  As they age they have to balance the desire to please themselves vs. pleasing their parents. I think most just choose to forget about it and wait. After a point of waiting (past 30), they begin to become comfortable with a love marriage and slowly start to venture out and settle down with their partner of choosing. At this point the parents are way past worrying about this and just let it go.

I don’t know what this gentleman thought of my ideas but he certainly hadn’t thought of it that way.  It caused him to think a bit but it was loud and the music as pretty distracting so we didn’t dwell on these deep thoughts too long. We never talked afterwards, but hopefully I shed some light on why his kids are refusing to marry or even discuss marriage.

What do you think? Are you a second generation child of parents who had arranged marriages? Share your thoughts.