This past Saturday afternoon we gathered the kids, piled into our car and went to the Nepali New Year celebration. We try to participate in these types of events as much as possible and we were all excited. We ended up having a good time. The girls loved the dancing, the deserts and the balloons. My wife and I enjoyed reconnecting with some people we hadn’t seen in a while. We live in a pretty big metropolis and the Nepalese people are scattered all over. The ones we seem to get along with live the farthest (figure that one)!
I ended up having a pretty interesting discussion with one of the elders. This gentleman has been in the US for over 31 years. He helped found the local Nepali organization and is a very well-educated man. He has grown children in their thirties and of course all were raised in the United States. He made the observation that it’s hard to get his kids to think about marriage and getting married. Only his oldest (who is almost 40) is married he said. He said he has seen this issue with other families as well and is quite puzzled by it.
As we talked more about this phenomenon I felt like I had some insights. I think that the second generation grows up very confused about marriage. Most in the first generation had arranged marriages and have very strong ties to that mindset. To the second generation arranged marriage is basically an alien concept. As much as they may understand the system and the structure they never feel that it’s for them. (I could be wrong here, so jump in with your thoughts if you have a different view.)
Add to this their natural impulse (as Western people mind you) to seek out the “normal” love marriage and they grow up extremely confused. As they age they have to balance the desire to please themselves vs. pleasing their parents. I think most just choose to forget about it and wait. After a point of waiting (past 30), they begin to become comfortable with a love marriage and slowly start to venture out and settle down with their partner of choosing. At this point the parents are way past worrying about this and just let it go.
I don’t know what this gentleman thought of my ideas but he certainly hadn’t thought of it that way. It caused him to think a bit but it was loud and the music as pretty distracting so we didn’t dwell on these deep thoughts too long. We never talked afterwards, but hopefully I shed some light on why his kids are refusing to marry or even discuss marriage.
What do you think? Are you a second generation child of parents who had arranged marriages? Share your thoughts.
As a child of arranged parents, I would disagree. I am planning a wedding for Dec/Jan this year and I’m 26. I’m not confused by any means, and I was always sure that if I were to get married, it would be to someone of my own choosing. But then again, my parents (especially my dad) always told me that I would have to choose someone for myself and that arranged marriages today were for people who were too incompetent to choose for themselves.
Marriage today for Westerners and/or second generation children of immigrants (who also count under Westerners in my opinion) is getting pushed back because of this phenomenon called extended youth. 30 is the new 20–people want to wait and save a little more money before jumping into such a massive commitment.
Kay – thanks for your insight. Not all parents are like your dad. Most of the people I know are exactly the opposite. Including mine. I guess that is why you’re not confused. I agree with your observation about extended youth too. I’m curious how much that plays a role.
See, I think my parents kinda always assumed I would find someone who was ‘good on paper’ (by that, they meant someone with a decent, formal education and someone with conservative personal values/liberal social values). Don’t know how differently they would have felt about my current relationship if my fiance was a wall muralist without a university degree.
I think extended youth plays a huge role in today’s society (where ever you are). Even those getting arranged (like some of my extended Nepali cousins who have chosen that route) are getting married much later than people from my parents generation.
For sure. My grandmother got married at 9, my mom at 16, my sister at 24, my daughter will probably marry at 29 or something.
I couldn’t leave it unnoticed, that you describe western way of getting married as “normal” love marriage. This is funny because “” suggest that it’s actually not so normal at all 2) I guess we can similarly say that there is “normal” arranged marriage in other cultural setting.
This concept of “normal” (as opposed to normal, without all the esthetics) if a fairly relative concept, which everyone can adjust according to their wish.
As a small reminder, there were arranged marriages in Europe in the past and everybody assumed as well it was “normal”. With time people started noticing that controlling somebody else’s life and influencing his/her choices is actually pretty abnormal and so the “tradition” has changed.
So maybe, second generation Nepalese people are also experiencing this shift between what is “normal” and what is not.
When you have a choice, the sole awareness of existing options ahead of you is more liberating than actually making a decision. Freedom is tempting – especially when you know that the world will not collapse only because you took a different path.
Intercultured thanks for your comment. Yes there were arranged marriages in Europe and America long time ago. People got away from it and now its normal to not have an arranged marriage. I think there are lots of misconceptions about arranged marriages though.
Great post!! It’s so fascinating thinking about relationships and the way they transform through the generations as people migrate.
As somebody who’s grown up in the west to parents who had an arranged marriage, I kind of agree with Kay that second generation migrants aren’t necessarily confused. Most people know who they are and what they want – there’s no reason why their desire to get married (or not) should be confused by the fact that their parents think differently (OF COURSE parents think differently – they’re a completely different breed!!). I’ve been wanting to write a post for a while on second generation ‘stuff’….I reckon it’s the parents who find their children’s behaviour more confusing than kids find their parents beliefs, because parents DIRECTLY experience cultural difference (i.e. they grow up in one culture then raise their kids in a different culture). The children, on the other hand, have grown up in one country their entire lives. Your friend is kind of a case in point – he was puzzled by the fact that his 30 year children aren’t thinking of marriage, but this is actually quite normal in the west (at least in my experience, a lot of friends are pushing 40 and not thinking of marriage per se, but they certainly are thinking of finding a permanent partner and having kids).
On a slightly different note, I do think you have a point in that a lot of my friends are confused about marriage/relationships in general, particularly those who’ve experienced divorce in their parents generation, and all the hurt and guilt that goes with it as a kid. As well as the extended youth phenomenon, I think people in the west are becoming increasingly suspicious of marriage and the (seemingly false) sense of security and stability it provides, which is contributing to the trend to later marriage/settling down. But this seems to be a trend in society in general, not something specific to second generation migrants.
Taswin – excellent points. Thanks for adding to the conversation.
As a Nepali girl who grew up till she was 16 in Nepal and now is in the West, I agree with what you’re saying. My parents had an arrange marriage and i think they’ve had a good life (for the most part). They have never expressed their opinion about relationships/marriage for me and my siblings (one fault that i find with a lot of nepali parents, they dont know how to talk/share these things with their children, but then maybe its just a parent thing). This means I have no idea what they expect of me. I grew up believing that they wouldnt be happy with me going out with guys so I didnt, when i was younger. And now that Im in bidesh and now that im getting to know myself better, I think i would want to be in a relationship. Arrange marriage is not even an option. Im just 21 and marriage is far away but I am confused as to what i should do sometimes. Its hard to know whether making yourself is the same as making your parents happy. I am the kind of person who usually will end up doing what she wants, but its more difficult when you try and think if your parents will like that decision or not. And the reason I worry is not cause I am afraid of them, its because I love them very much and wouldnt want to disappoint them.
Alisha – you captured the sentiment I was trying to express!
Maybe you could read Bollywood-Weddings:Dating, Engagement and Marriage in Hindu America by Kavita Ramdya to a perspective on this issue. Here’s the author’s website: http://www.bollywood-weddings.com/Home.html. Additionally, I would recommend reading the excerpt that has been posted since it’s really insightful. I’ve only read the excerpt but it says enough to give you a feel for how 2nd generation Indians react to marriage.
Thanks for the information!
Sorry about the previous typo. Maybe you could read “Bollywood-Weddings:Dating, Engagement and Marriage in Hindu America” by Kavita Ramdya to get a perspective on this issue. The author’s website (http://www.bollywood-weddings.com/Home.html) has an excerpt which is really insightful. I’ve only read the excerpt but it says enough to give you a feel for how 2nd generation Indians react to marriage.