A reader asks, “after all these years with your American wife, what do you wish you would have known in the early days of your relationship?”
Like many relationships I was quite mesmerized in the early days. I had never been in a relationship quite like the one with Shreemati. I went to a boys only boarding school in Nepal – and had no experience even relating to women, let alone having a relationship. Also, while in college I was pretty set in what I wanted to do and who I wanted to hang out with. I knew an arranged marriage was in my future and any “interest” I may have with women was temporary and normal guy stuff. Nothing more. Hence I never really dated or pursued any particular person.
However, it was different with Shreemati from the very beginning. It was forbidden love and I enjoyed it. I knew I was going to marry her quite early. It took her a while to figure things out (story for another time). We got married within four months of our engagement. I was in graduate school at the time and it was all just a whirlwind, with very little time to think. Then we had our ceremony in Nepal and before we knew it we had a house in the suburbs in the Midwest.
Looking back I wish I had a mentor to bounce things with. Someone who had been through my experience and could share some insights. I don’t know what impact that would have had. I don’t really have any regrets or any sense of having done something wrong. However, it would have been easier to process things. There are not a lot of things but some of the more notable ones include dealing with the in-laws and the American side of the family.
I have not had any issues with my in-laws, but the relationship is very different if it had been with a Nepali family. Everyone on Shreemati’s side of the family is very independent and set in their own ways. I struggled with that in the beginning since I didn’t feel anyone reaching out to me and welcoming me into the family. I wanted a closer feel and sought a firmer relationship – with introductions to customs and traditions etc. I wanted to learn about the other side of the family – personalities, histories, characteristics etc. But that never really happened. I wouldn’t say that this is necessarily a Nepali thing, maybe more of a personal thing.
Aside from the in-law situation early on in my marriage I was also trying to think of my American wife as a pseudo-Nepali woman. I think this mentor would have told me that the American wife is indeed an American wife. She’s not an educated white woman who is now all of sudden going to act, live and be like a traditional Nepali wife. That instant transformation I subconsciously sought never happened. I had to face the fact that she’s independent, she’s going to question me and she’s going to speak her mind. I have struggled with these things at different times.
I am by no means sexist or seeking a submissive, quiet housewife. However, the cultural indoctrination and assimilation is bound to have a residual effect in ones outlook. And I can not claim to be an exception, no matter how hard I try. Also, once you’re married (and especially when you become a parent) you fall back to things you saw when you were growing up. Like most people, your parents become your role mode (or at least what you thought of your parents when you were younger). So, when Shreemati questioned my thoughts, my opinions and things like that it became an issue for me at times.
I had to come to grips with the fact that, at the end of the day, I’m married to an American woman. She might be adaptive and willing to see things from my way, she may cook and dress at times like a Nepali person but she has distinctive American characteristics that make her who she is. I can not expect her to be a typical Nepali wife and I needed to come to terms with that. I think it took me a few years into my marriage to fully understand and appreciate this aspect of the relationship.
Nicely written. Though, I don’t think you can accurately describe anyone as a ‘typical Nepali wife.’ I am a Nepali woman, I know many Nepali women and we’re nothing like the ‘typical Nepali wife,’ you allude to in this post.
Kripa (kay) – I agree with you to an extent in that yes there is no typical Nepali woman. However, there are certain characteristics that Nepali women have that others might not. Also, it’s also a matter of expectation – in the mind many still have and image of a typical “nepali” or “indian” or “sri lankan” housewife…
Great post BB. I agree that the ‘typical Nepali woman’ is more of an ideal than a reality. Still this ideal greatly shapes a person’s expectations/hopes of their partner, whether it’s conscious or unconscious, so it’s not an ideal that can be easily discarded.
Your stuff about acknowledging that Shreemati is American puts into words something I’ve been struggling with since I moved in with my partner. It’s difficult, when you live with somebody on an intimate, day-to-day basis, to remember that they often come from an entirely different perspective to you. I often forget that L has grown up in a different country/culture/language/EVERYTHING to me, and fly into a rage when he does or says something I would never do because… well…he should act exactly the same way I would, right?(!) In our case L lives in Australia with me, so I guess the push for assimilation cuts down not only into his social/public life, but also into his (our) private life. I was wondering whether you feel any pressure from Shreemati to be a ‘typical American husband’? Not necessarily overt pressure, it might be that she also has expectations (conscious or unconscious) of what a partner should be like?
Great question Taswin! The funny thing is Shreemati actually grew up outside of the US. So she’s not quite familiar with a typical American male. There have been times where she’s mentioned things that other men do together with their wives (romance wise) and explains to me that that is what American men do. I interpreted this as being something I now needed to do, but when I’ve probed she’s mentioned that’s not the case. Having grown up outside of America as an American she’s more adaptive in that sense. Certainly a very good question. I’m going to think about this more though.
@BB–I know what you mean about having a certain expectation. When I met my fiance I expected him to act like the ‘typical Indian man’ and was totally surprised to find out that he was far more modern/liberal and forward thinking (despite having grown up in India) than a heck of a lot of second/third generation Indian-Canadian men.
Kay – good points.
Thanks for your response BB. That’s really interesting…I wonder what type of expectations she does have of a partner if she grew up outside the US? But whatever they are obviously you fit the mark
In my case, most of my expectations have never been conscious…I only really realise that I even have expectations (I like to think of myself as fair-minded and neutral hehe…) when he does something differently to the way I would.
Looking forward to hearing your additional thoughts on this!
Her expectations are more confined to life goals, objectives and our spiritual life rather and a particular husband. Yep, we only become aware of our expectations as we interactions increase. I used to think I had no issues and problems, but once I got married and started having to live with someone, I realized I have lots of issues.