My Girls Favorite Nepali Dance Video

Keeping the Nepali language in our household has been difficult. Shreemati has picked up quite a bit of the language but it still is not at a point where we can converse at home. To be honest we have not made as much of an effort as we should. This year we tried making the time between my arrival from work and bed time as the official Nepali speaking time – but we had a few of Shreemati’s relatives come for a visit and that kind of fell by the way side.

Of course when we have Nepali people over we speak Nepali and last summer my parents were here so there was plenty of Nepali to go around. To compensate I show the girls some Nepali songs and music videos and keep Nepali books around.  Quite interestingly the girls love the “Maiti Ghar” music video the most. Of course its a song about “the fathers house” being special to a girl once she marries and goes to live with her husband.

Why I Advised My Cousin to Not Marry Outside the Culture

I can’t really say when the regrets started to come, but we had been married about five or six years. It’s not like these feelings were overwhelming and I was carrying around a heavy burden or anything like that. In fact I wasn’t actively telling people that I was regretting the marriage or the person I was married to, but in subtle ways I was making comments to that effect.

So, when my cousin called asking about his own situation I was not at all surprised at the answer I felt compelled to give. I wanted to be honest and I didn’t want to give a pat answer. But when I mentioned my thoughts to Shreemati, her reaction was not what I had expected. At first she laughed I think, but then when we talked further it became apparent she was offended and not sure what to make of the situation. She had a look of concern on her face and I knew we needed to talk through this.

In short, I was telling people around me that inter-cultural relationships were hard and should be avoided when possible. There wasn’t any one incident that made me feel this way. However, there seemed to be things swirling in my head that was making me feel like I was mourning something. We had been married a few years already, and even had our first child by this time. But, some thoughts and some ideas of our future started to bother me. All of a sudden I wanted a more traditional setting. I wanted a Nepali wife and a lively Nepali community around me. I had been living in the US for almost 15 years and was getting tired of being here. I felt that having a white-American wife constantly kept me in the midst of American culture – both at home and work – and I was getting tired of it all. I was seeking a refuge where Nepal could be found – at least at home.

In many ways what I was feeling had very little to do with Shreemati. It was more to do with the isolation and distance I felt from Nepal, my homeland, my family and everything else that goes with it. Living where I live, there are not a lot of Nepalese families near by – and those that are close have not been very eager to get to know us or be a part of our lives. In many ways I figured it might be my married situation that was causing this. I had noticed that while it’s fun to go to Nepalese events and have some community, the ladies in these gathers tend to leave Shreemati out. Sure there is the small talk and such, but then the conversation turns to Hindi movies and clothes and husbands (all in Nepali) and she feels lonely and isolated and left alone. This happened more than once and so after a while our excitement for these events dissipated. More on this later, but I’ve come to the conclusion that Nepali people can be extremely prejudiced without overtly trying.

With all of these things going on in the background, and of course accumulating over the years, I started to have feelings of regret. Hence, without really thinking through what was going on I was all of a sudden advising people not to marry outside their cultures.

I can understand that Shreemati would be upset and one evening during this time she asked me very directly if I regretted marrying her. I was caught off guard, because I had told her many times before that “of course I didn’t regret marrying her”. But this time I knew she was asking for a heart-felt answer.

I paused and looked into her eyes and realized the lie I was starting go belive. The truth is I did not regret a moment of our marriage. I remembered our long distance courtship – the international flights – the longing to be together. I thought of the apartment we rented (we never lived together before marriage, but had apartments close by) and the dinners and parties. Then of course the wedding, the honeymoon (long story for another time) and our first house. Then of course our first daughter (and two more since then). I knew in the bottom of my heart that I never regretted marrying her, it’s just that I hadn’t taken charge of making sure Nepal remained close to me.

As a side note – my cousin ended up breaking up with his girlfriend. Not because of anything I said. They graduated from college, he moved to Italy and she went to LA to pursue acting. And before you know it they had moved on.

Photo used under Creative Commons License from Flickr account ID zensquared

My Advice: Don’t Marry Outside the Culture

A few years ago my cousin, who was finishing up his undergrad in California mentioned to me that he had been in a relationship with one of his classmates. He said the relationship had been a secret for many years but he wanted to get some advice since the woman in question was American.  We had an interesting conversation and I was very eager to listen. He described the type of person his girlfriend was, he gave me some background information about her family and also discussed their possible future together.

At one level I was kind of excited that finally another member of my family was seeking to marry outside of the culture and deal with all that goes with that adventure. But there was another part of me that was very unsure and cautious. Perhaps it was the older cousin complex kicking in, perhaps it was my own insecurities coming into play, but the whole thing left me kind of perplexed about my own reaction to this news.

A few weeks later we had another conversation around this topic and towards the end of it, he asked me for some advice on what I thought he should do. Until this point it was mostly him talking and me listening with a few comments/suggestions here and there. When he asked me my advice, I felt I had to be honest. I told him about the complexities of any marriage and adding in different cultures, customs and religions made it even more complex. I told him that adding unknown variables to an equation only makes the solution more complex (we both have math backgrounds).  I think he got the picture of where I was headed.

Later on I had a conversation about this with Shreemati and she asked me what advice I had given my cousin. I told her that I felt that he should not marry outside of the culture, it was not a good fit for him and that it didn’t seem like the right thing to do. I went off about family, culture, identity etc.. As the conversation continued my position solidified even further. Now, I was against Nepali boys marrying outside of the culture and caste, full stop. No more discussion.

To be continued…

The Food Question

In the late 1990s when I had been dating Shreemati for just a few years (most of it long distance), I went to visit a friend. He had been married to an American woman for over 10 years and had a few kids as well. When I arrived at his house he asked me to enter through the side door that led directly to the kitchen. So I went to the side door and knocked. He answered and let me in.

While walking to the side door I was wondering why he was asking me to come by a different entrance. As I stepped into his kitchen I saw that he was in the middle of making a wonderful Nepali meal. It smelled awesome. And therein was the problem, it smelled.

He had closed the door leading to the dining room. His wife and all the kids were upstairs. He explained to me that his wife did not like Nepali food and could not tolerate the smell of the food. So, when he cooked he closed the door to the dining room, turned on as many fans as possible and his wife and kids would be upstairs with their doors shut as well. I didn’t know what to say, so I just went along. We ate and had a great time together. A little while later one of his older kids showed up.  He was hungry and started to eat with us. It turns out the little man did enjoy some Nepali cooking. But the whole thing felt like we were in some bunker, enjoying some forbidden fruit.

After the moment passed and I’ve reflected on this event quite a bit. The main reason being that I was very serious about Shreemati and food can be quite an issue in a relationship involving two different cultures. I know an Indian-Chinese couple here in town that cook separately. She cooks and eats her Chinese food and he cooks and eats his Indian food.  I can’t imagine the strain that would put on a relationship. Just like I can’t fathom why some couples maintain separate checking accounts, I can’t really get my mind around two different kitchens or, “bhanchas” as they say in Nepal.

To be honest with you food is important to me. Let me rephrase that, eating good Nepali food on a regular basis is important to me. My mother is a fantastic cook and I’m not saying because I’m her son.  All my relatives, neighbors and associates in our little corner of Nepal loved her cooking. Her “aaloo ko achar” was sought after by many, not to forget her “khasi” (mutton) etc. So, it many ways I’m very spoiled.

Very early on in our relationship I was always feeling out Shreemati on the food issue. Would she eat dal, bhat? Could she eat it on a regular basis? I found that she could but then as the relationship became more serious, I wondered if she would cook Nepali food, and could she do it well over a long-term time horizon. I mean sure I could cook, she wouldn’t ben the only one cooking at all times, but there is something about being able to share this skill or resoponsilbyt or whatever you want to call it, with your partner.

Honestly I didn’t know the answer to these questions when we got married. However, over the near decade we’ve been married I’ve discovered that she does indeed enjoy Nepali cuisine. She has learned to cook it, share it and enjoy it with me. In fact last night I came home to a house smelling like my home growing up. There was dal, bhat, tarkari, masu (chicken) and even some tomato achar. And it tasted fantastic!  Not only that the kids were all excited and around the table. And my heart jumped with warmth and love. After a long tiring day we all sat around the table, all five of us eating a typical Nepali dinner. I looked at my wife and just adored her for making such an effort to reach deep into my heart.  I’m so glad I don’t have to hide in the kitchen to cook  something that warms my heart and eat a lonely meal afterwards. I have an awesome Shreemati!

Image shared under Creative Commons license via Flickr (username magical-world)

The Road Less Travelled

Well here it goes, yet another blog. I’m a fairly experienced blogger, but my blogs have never been personal.  I’ve blogged about business topics such as marketing and finance. Heck, I’ve even built up a blog that eventually was bought by a relatively big finance company (note – it didn’t involve a huge amount of money, hence I’m not blogging from a beach front property somewhere in the Bahamas).

So, why am I doing this? Well for starters I want to share my story over the “Interwebs” and take out a position on a few things, particularly on the topic of inter-racial, inter-cultural marriage, child rearing and such. I will say, I am not the first to do this. There does seem to be a vibrant blogging community focused on this topic.

My focus will be primarily on Nepali-American relationships. Since that is my situation. However, my story and experiences should fit the broader Nepali-Western category.  I’m sure those in relationships with other nationalities will have a different experience, but there should still be some point of reference nonetheless.

Another reason why I’m starting this blog is because I’ve been reading a few blogs on this topic for a while and they all seem to be from the persecutive of the woman, never from the man. This isn’t a bad thing, but I’m sure there is room for a man’s view as well. I’ve been looking for a while and I have yet to find a blog from the man’s side on this topic (Nepali-American/Western relationships). I figured I might as well get it going.

Without sounding too presumptions, I want this blog to be the voice of “that man”. The South Asian male living far from home, married to a Western woman, raising kids and living in some twilight zone of an existence. There are issues of communication, love, discipline, religion, children, education, in-laws, family-visits etc., that make this combination of marriage particularly fascinating, heart-breaking and exciting all at the same time.

Finally, I will say I expect this blog to also be a place for me to share some of my political, social, economic and general life views as well. So, stay tuned and thanks for stopping by.